Conflicts of loyalty between children and new partners: a balancing act
Expert Margit Schmiedbauer stresses how important it is to prepare children delicately for changes in the family environment: “a first step when it comes to avoiding conflicts of loyalty is to prepare children early on for the separation and the potential new relationship.” The expert explains that it is important for new families not to drift apart and for the family members involved to stay in touch and support one another. If the biological parents can make the child feel that it’s OK for them to like the new partner, they will also prevent a division of loyalty.
Margit Schmiedbauer also notes that new partners need a great deal of motivation and understanding to accept the child. They shouldn’t just act like they belong to the family and will take on the role of raising the children – they should instead respect the fact that the child has the opportunity to ensure order in their life.
It can be particularly sensitive if one parent is still alone. Children often feel pity and don’t want any “competition” for the attention of their other parent. They need permission to like the new partner without feeling that they're betraying the other parent.
Schmiedbauer recommends meeting up together and friendly discussions, for example when handing over the children. “It’s critical for the other parent to recognise the new partner and not to compete with them.”
It is common for it to be more difficult for young people to deal with changes of this type as they are often caught up in their own lives and do not always have the attention needed for changes in the family.
The journey to a harmonious family relationship after a separation is not an easy one. It requires courage, patience and sensitivity from all involved. If you want to talk to a professional about it, you are welcome to make an appointment with one of the Austrian family counselling centres free of charge.
Our interview partner
Margit Schmiedbauer is a life and social counselor, mediator, systemic consultant, and trained in systemic constellation work. She manages the Alpha nova counseling center in Karlsdorf.
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8401 Kalsdorf
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The interview was conducted in March 2025.
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