Couple cuddling.

How to communicate sexual fantasies

At the start of a relationship, the couple’s sex life is often entirely unencumbered and the amount of sex they have works for both parties. Over time, physicality within couples can wear away and become unsatisfactory for both.

During her counselling sessions, Michaela Mathae often has couples who are unhappy with their sex lives, and she says it’s not a matter of age. “Even young couples want to reinvigorate their sex lives after they’ve had children. Lots of them can no longer find their way together.”

At times like these, it’s good to talk to your partner openly about what you want in bed. “The problem is often that people think their sexual fantasies aren't normal,” says Mathae.

She advises couples to write down their own thoughts and wishes. The best thing is then to read out what you wrote down on the paper to your partner. To avoid any misunderstandings, though, the expert says you shouldn’t send what you’ve written down via email or messenger.

Of course both parties need to agree for you to actually do the things you wish. You need to negotiate. If one of the parties rules out certain practices, you can talk about it, but you could always try a more gentle version of some things. “Imagine you're talking about food. If one of you is a vegetarian and the other isn’t, you need to find a compromise too,” says Mathae.

The counsellor recommends normalising the topic. “Sexuality is part of our lives and needs to be discussed. Couples break up because things in the bedroom are no longer working, and we need to prevent that.”

If you want to talk to a professional about this topic, you can make a free appointment at one of the Austrian counselling centres.

Our interview partner

Michaela Mathae, is a qualified social worker and psychotherapist in the Verein Familie Beratung in Vienna.

Verein Familie Beratung
Am Schöpfwerk 29/14
1120 Vienna
Website of the Verein Familie Beratung

The interview was conducted in August 2022.

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